ben - page: 81 - özgürsözlük

ı feel like ı am okay and ı can explore life better. cause ı know what ı want. before, ı was aware (that awareness is just a hate-talk to keep myself grounded)but ı was manipulated and scared, and thinking wanting less is a virtue. so ı was critical against my own feelings. and somehow doesn't know how to get a grasp of a personalised frame of what can a person think when they act like this or that. still can't. but there was a plus. ı was dreaming and feeling an utmost challenging guilt to cover my fake virtue of wish for less. that guilt was about knowing that ı was not enough for my own expectation but ı was not even want to achieve that high expectations too. so feeling guilt was creating a protective frame for my demand of love and most importantly creating a reason to shrink myself. ı am able to say now, "no. you didn't love me. even all you did was all you have." ı was not angry because my family was unbearable but ı was protecting their fragile egos to make them feel comfortable enough to take care of me. so ı was always angry and frustrated cause ı was belittling myself, "you are an alien, they don't understand you." no, they don't care about me. they care about their fragility and create a false sense of love that they love me. actually they were just optimising their fuels with my love of life. cause ı was enabled to make them feel alive. and then, ı felt guilty, ı was off track cause ı was not able to make them feel lovable enough to keep calm and stable. the guilt was not fake. ıt was my survival.

last night, ı was afraid from darkness like ı was five. that fear had a repetitive pattern in my life. so ı thought that it comes from somewhere.

then ı remember the fear ı feel from my mom. ı was searching something darker than her. so she can be a better figure.

after that thoughts, ı figured out that ı was so intuitively, protecting their peace and even ı had a lot of fights with them, ı was feeling like a coward, that ı was not enough to be seen(somehow). no, ı am here. and they don't care. and ı think, if they can see me, ı can be a better person for them to change. ı was trying to figure out how can ı be better, not for myself. still for them. for them to change.

but ı was not the reason for their unhappiness. ın fact, ı was the only one obsessed, unhappy, unsatisfied. cause they needed something to heal, to help, to feed and to not be alone. not a child.

so ı was lost. all lost. cause ı was not able to feel myself as a human-being. my scar was wide, deep and transactional. cause if ı want to continue to live, ı should have stay alive. so ı created a world that can approve that ı was a victim. and if you can see through, it was crucial. ıt was all pain of confusion, frustration, suppressed emotions. spirals. shame. guilt. crying for not be able to answer the questions that was killing me slowly. but ı was not expecting that... even that has an ending. ıt ends with "ı was and am brave enough to be seen and want and feel scared and admit it."

and... probably victimhood was how my mother's motherhood born. the question is am ı my mother? better of her? less of her? or am ı something else? she took care of everyone. my father said twice, that he feels like my mother was his mother also. so my mother took care of his mother, her nephew, her brothers and sister and last of it, of her mother, for all her life.

they were adult. like my mother and my father. and the result is my mother thinks that she can take care of people. but she can't take care of a child. and she doesn't want to know that she is a brutal, scary nanny for me that doesn't meet any of my needs. ı was feeling like a burden. she was a burden to me. and she will not be able to see this.

cause ı see that ı and my mother couldn't grow together. so we never had a safe base to reform a relationship. and ı have decided that the confusion was in my head is about future of my relationship. ı was thinking that ı was the only one who was responsible so it was a comforting place. but ı don't know her.

she doesn't know me. she knows my weaknesses to exploit. and this is not even convenient.

and that was my first boundary there.

you can be whatever you are and it's okay. but in your little dark heart, you have a balloon that you breathe actually. and you should know what's not happening at least.